Say Nice Things About… Portland’s SEXIEST Statues!

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Portland is known both as a town of artists and as a city that loves to celebrate the arts. Sexy town. What’s the middle part of the Venn diagram of those two forces? That’s right: Sexy statues. Now, there’s been a lot of chatter in the news of late about Portland’s toppling of some colonizer statues, as well as maybe scuffling up an elk a little bit, but we still have a lot of statues to celebrate, and many of them are hot as hell. So I’m turning the hubbub into hubba hubba and presenting you with this, your official list of Portland’s Sexiest Statues!

1. Joan of Arc

A shiny and very babely Joan of Arc statue on her horse, with sword raised, is located in the center of a huge roundabout near NE Glisan & Cesar Chavez. She’s got a bold attitude and battle gear that you just Know more Would be a great time. I always wondered why anyone would want to riot around a dumb elk when you’ve got a warrior as fierce and DTF as Joanie here, and in such a convenient location! You’ve probably wondered why we have the statue of Joan of Arc. This isn’t France! It was donated to Portland to honor World War I veterans for whom Joan of Arc was the patron saint. So now when you drive in circles trying to get in or out of Hollywood, you can appreciate the statue’s history and significance to Portland as well as her fine physique.

2. Umbrella Man

The statue of a sexy businessman in Pioneer Square is officially called “Allow Me,” but everybody calls him Umbrella Man, because he’s holding an umbrella. Obvious? Maybe to some. This only enhances his mystery to me. Portlanders are notoriously umbrella-averse. This guy is also wearing a suit, and hailing an uber, which are not things we do. As such, Umbrella Man’s appeal comes from his out-of-town-edness. Like who It is a good idea to use a bilingual translator This sexy stranger is? Why is he here in Portland? What’s he into? I wonder if the man needs directions to somewhere. I wonder if there is somewhere he needs directions. You can also find out more about the following: house.

3. The Quest

Not to be confused with QUEST, the downtown Portland nightclub which also got pulses racing (RIP), “The Quest” is a statue featuring one guy, three babes (and one kid who seems pretty out of place, so for the purposes of this piece’s vibe we’re going to forget they’re there). The statues look like giant white marble dolls. Don’t You can also find out more about us on our website. always feel like planning for life’s unexpected events after eyeballing some not-quite-realistic knockers? I certainly do! “The Quest” has been airing out their nether regions in downtown for over 50 years, and I hope they never find what they’re looking for, so we can keep ogling their search for decades to come.

4. Vera Katz

As You can also find out more about us on our website. know, Vera Katz served as Portland’s mayor from 1993 to 2005, and her bronze likeness has been resting comfortably on a bench on the East Bank Esplanade (which she had a major hand in developing) since 2006. The life-size statue shows Katz smiling her famous wide smile and leaning slightly forward, like you’re both on your second glass of wine and she’s enraptured by a brilliant story you’re telling. “Oh you,” Vera would say coyly. “You certainly are a singular wit!” Is Katz, a civil servant who fled Nazi Germany with her family as a baby, appropriate to be sexualized on this list of Portland’s sexiest statues? That depends on if you’re horny for public service or not. I am for Sure, you can. am, and I’m the one writing this list… so, Vera Katz statue? You are A fox.

5. Paul Bunyan

The Bunyan statue in Portland’s Kenton neighborhood has been there since Oregon’s centennial celebrations in 1959. The folk hero doesn’t have any real connection to Oregon except, presumably, that Oregon totally loves a guy with a beard and a beanie and an ass that won’t quit. There are many statues of Paul around the world, but ours is by far the best because of his non-aggressive smile and posture. He’s just It is a good idea to use a bilingual translator. Just as he lovingly gazed at the now-defunct strip club Dancin’ Bare for oh, so many years, Paul would for sure lovingly whisper sweet nothings into the ear of any Portland partner. Our Paul is a pansexual. Gruff, yet tender, Paul has his plaid shirt rolled up to his elbows to show off his forearms—just how we like our romance heroes. Meanwhile his upper arms are jacked for easily chopping down trees… as well as embracing you in the warmest, safest, Sexiest hug.